I had about a year without the heachaces. I have no "worldly" explaination for this, the doctors could not tell me why I was feeling better because the injury had stayed the same. But this time off of the heachaches helped me get my act together and quit taking the pain medications altogether.
Soon after I stopped the pills, I found myself pregnant. I won't get into the details of how and why this was so shocking, but it was certainly not my plan. But I was overjoyed and just plain thrilled to be pregnant again but very worried about how this would affect my headaches.
I was surprised to go through the entire pregnancy without having them return. I thought for sure the stress of a big pregnant belly would bring them back. In the end, it was the stress of labor that brought them back.
So I have been living now for almost four months with a new baby and agonizingly bad headaches. When I was dealing with this pain before, it brought on great depression. It is very easy to get lost in thoughts of how I would ever survive a lifetime of this pain. That severe depression before led to a lot of bad choices while trying to find anything that might make me feel better, even for a short time. I spent (or wasted) so much time back then locked away in my room in the dark, stoned out of my head on pain pills and just wishing my life away. It was a dark place to be.
How do I stay out of that dark place this time? Especially without being able to get any therapy this time around and while having a little person in my life who takes all my energy and does not let me rest much?
Isaiah is at the same time the cause (lifting him etc) of the pain and the relief. His smiles light up the whole house. Solstice and Aiden shower me with so much compassion it is overwhelming to me sometimes. They are such sweet and kind children. And Andre has been so patient and caring. I know how scary it must have been for him to see me going through this again.
But this time around, I think I am doing much better. First, I don't disappear into the haze of pain killers. I don't run away from everyone. Sure, sometimes I have to get a break from the light and noise of life- but I don't hide anymore. So secondly, I am not trying to do this alone anymore. I am reaching out to my family and asking them to go through this with me and not just watch me go through it. But for me, the biggest way that I am not doing this alone anymore is that this time I have God with me. I know He gave me that year off to get myself back in order. I got sober, I got back with my family, I got my priorities right again finally. Why couldn't He have given me the freedom of pain forever? I don't know, but I'm certain there is a reason and in His time, I will know why.(Romans 8:28) But He has not left my side, not for a minute. And that has made all the differnce, you see, before I would get so lost in those thoughts about surviving the rest of my life like this. But now I know God gives me the strength to get through this one day like this,(Phil 4:13) and then tomorrow He'll do it again. So I just have to figure out how to do today. And with His help, that is something I can do. And now I can be a better mom to Isaiah and to Solstice and Aiden even with the chronic pain, because I have God now with me.
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand
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