pumped up on breastmilk!

snow

The weather right now is bringing back vivid memories of this time last year. It was later in the year when the first snow really stuck. But the cold air and the grey are reminding me of those first months of my pregnancy.
It was such a hard time emotionally, and going through all that with the non-stop "morning" sickness was completely draining. My tummy has been doing flip-flops at the memories its been stirring up.
I remember one day inparticular from one of the first snows last year, I had to make that long drive and I was eating french fries and a chocolate shake hoping that would keep me from being sick while driving. It didn't of course. I was sick on the side of the road, in the dark, alone and in the snow.
I don't know what it would be called, some kind of physical memory. I had this with the other two also. The weather will cause my body to recall the feelings of early pregnancy the year after it happened. It's strong enough to almost feel like I'm really going to be sick.
Such a funny thing.
This weather also reminds me of when I was first pregnant with Solstice. We were so scared and I felt so sick. I remember driving to Andre's parents in weather like this and feeling just terrible. I was drinking a coke in hopes it would calm my stomach. I don't think I'll ever forget that.
The year is now marked with these seasonal memories of my children.

sunday meme on monday

Sunday Stealing Meme from Holly

1. Do you like blue cheese salad dressing?
no, not at all

2. Favorite late night snack?
ice cream

3. Do you own a gun?
Nope

4. What’s your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shop?
vanilla cap

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
very, to the point of feeling sick

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I'll eat veggie-dogs sometimes. Not my fave food.

7. Favorite Christmas song?
Anything by Kenny and Dolly


8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee

9. Can you do push-ups?
no way, that would bring on a monster of a headache

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
My wedding ring and my grandma's necklace

11. Favorite hobby?
reading, knitting

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
nope

13. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?
I'm afraid of many, many things

14. The last disease you contracted?
...next...

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
Is the washer dying? I hope Iz takes a good nap. I need an empty shoebox.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Coffee, Water, tea

17. Current worry right now?
money, but I'm going to try and not worry.

18. Current hate right now?
headaches

19. Favorite place to be?
in the nest

20. How did you ring in the New Year?
with a kiss

21. Like to travel?
yes, as long as its not too stressful

22. Name three people who will complete Sunday Stealing this week:
I don't know

23. Do you own slippers?
yes

24. What color shirt are you wearing?
white

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
No I hate them, too slidey

26. Can you whistle?
yes

27. Favorite singer/band?
Of all time? Grateful Dead
Right now? Casting Crowns or MercyMe

28. Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor?
NO WAY! I wouldn't last the day

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
something from church

30. Favorite girl’s names?
Carolyn Grace

31. Favorite boy’s name?
I don't know, I just used my last fave boy name. I'd have to think on a new one.

32. What’s in your pocket right now?
Nadda, no pockets

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
hmm... not sure... I'm guessing it was one of the kids

34. Like your job?
Absolutly! Being home with my kids, taking care of my man and my house is what I was made for!

36. Do you love where you live?
It is not where I would pick at all if I had a choice in it, but I make do and appreciate the good parts.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house?
3 but only 2 are actually hooked to the cable.

38. Who is your loudest friend?
I dunno...

39. Do you drive the speed limit or speed?
always the speed limit, I've never been pulled over

40. Does someone have a crush on you?
No

41. What is your favorite book?
Outlander by Diana Gabladon

42. What is your favorite candy?
dark chocolate or necco wafers

43. Favorite Sports Team?
Tigers

44. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
sleeeeeeeeeeping

45. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today?
where is the snooze button....

favorite things

isaiah's laugh
second cups of coffee
crisp air
the sound of knitting needles clicking together
a book so good you miss the characters like old friends
my moms hands
watching solstice when she is lost in her own world
baking smells
singing with my parents at church
aiden's sweaty head
being healthy
knowing andre's stories like my own
clean kitchens
siblings
christmas lights
daisies
when isaiahs breath smells like yougurt

Chronic pain and a new baby.

About 4 years ago I was injured in a car accident. After years of therapy (physical therapy, chiropractors, alternative medicine, homeopathy, etc etc etc) I am still stuck with pretty intense headaches daily. For quite awhile I was over-medicating myself pretty heavily with pain medications. After that distroyed the rest of my world I realized they were not really helping the pain and I cleaned up my act.
I had about a year without the heachaces. I have no "worldly" explaination for this, the doctors could not tell me why I was feeling better because the injury had stayed the same. But this time off of the heachaches helped me get my act together and quit taking the pain medications altogether.
Soon after I stopped the pills, I found myself pregnant. I won't get into the details of how and why this was so shocking, but it was certainly not my plan. But I was overjoyed and just plain thrilled to be pregnant again but very worried about how this would affect my headaches.
I was surprised to go through the entire pregnancy without having them return. I thought for sure the stress of a big pregnant belly would bring them back. In the end, it was the stress of labor that brought them back.
So I have been living now for almost four months with a new baby and agonizingly bad headaches. When I was dealing with this pain before, it brought on great depression. It is very easy to get lost in thoughts of how I would ever survive a lifetime of this pain. That severe depression before led to a lot of bad choices while trying to find anything that might make me feel better, even for a short time. I spent (or wasted) so much time back then locked away in my room in the dark, stoned out of my head on pain pills and just wishing my life away. It was a dark place to be.
How do I stay out of that dark place this time? Especially without being able to get any therapy this time around and while having a little person in my life who takes all my energy and does not let me rest much?
Isaiah is at the same time the cause (lifting him etc) of the pain and the relief. His smiles light up the whole house. Solstice and Aiden shower me with so much compassion it is overwhelming to me sometimes. They are such sweet and kind children. And Andre has been so patient and caring. I know how scary it must have been for him to see me going through this again.
But this time around, I think I am doing much better. First, I don't disappear into the haze of pain killers. I don't run away from everyone. Sure, sometimes I have to get a break from the light and noise of life- but I don't hide anymore. So secondly, I am not trying to do this alone anymore. I am reaching out to my family and asking them to go through this with me and not just watch me go through it. But for me, the biggest way that I am not doing this alone anymore is that this time I have God with me. I know He gave me that year off to get myself back in order. I got sober, I got back with my family, I got my priorities right again finally. Why couldn't He have given me the freedom of pain forever? I don't know, but I'm certain there is a reason and in His time, I will know why.(Romans 8:28) But He has not left my side, not for a minute. And that has made all the differnce, you see, before I would get so lost in those thoughts about surviving the rest of my life like this. But now I know God gives me the strength to get through this one day like this,(Phil 4:13) and then tomorrow He'll do it again. So I just have to figure out how to do today. And with His help, that is something I can do. And now I can be a better mom to Isaiah and to Solstice and Aiden even with the chronic pain, because I have God now with me.

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand

breastfeeding and breast cancer

I've always known that breastfeeding can greatly decrease your risk of breast cancer but I never really knew why. I was reading the Motherwear Catalog Blog today and found this information very interesting:

There are several hypotheses about why breastfeeding provides protection against breast cancer but at this time we do not know which is/are correct. The simplest explanation is that for many women the longer they breastfeed the fewer menstrual cycles they experience. Since with every menstrual cycle cells in the breast grow and divide and could by chance accumulate mutations which might lead to cancer, reducing the total number of cycles a woman experiences in her lifetime should lead to a decreased risk of breast cancer. This is supported by data showing that younger age at time of first menstruation and older age at menopause (greater total number of years menstruating) is associated with an increased risk of breast cancer. Another hypothesis is that breastfeeding results in a permanent change in either breast morphology or the expression of genes in the breast, and that this change provides protection against breast cancer. Finally it has been suggested that breastfeeding reduces the level of pollutants in the breast that may be associated

I also read that not only does it decrease your chances by 28%, but to have a baby and not breastfeed increases your rates by 39%!

Just some food for thought.

Blessed are the cheesemakers

yep, still the spit-up cheesemaker

Isaiah had his other two newborn shots today. So far he's not too grumpy. A little sore, a little warm. So he's nursing non-stop which is fine with me. Anything is better than last time he had shots.