Hope

I stopped the whirlwind of my day to watch the inauguration of President B. Obama today. I sat, with baby on breast, with a pile of diapers at my feet waiting to be folded, with lentils simmering on the stove for dinner, with apples waiting to be turned to baby food, with the wash and dryer running, I stopped to breath a deep breath of hope.
I'm glad that this is the man that my children will have clear memories of as president. I hope he can be a shining example to them that one person can really make a difference, can really change the world.
And then I thought about myself and if I've really changed the world in anyway, in folding diapers and cooking lentils.
But each leader, each Obama, Clinton, Kennedy, each Washington, had a mother who cooked for them and kept them well, who taught them about love, and hope and what is right and what is wrong. I hope I can mother in the shadow of those women who taught their children so well.
God bless America.

ahhhh winter

Winter is tough on the stay-at-home mom types. I realized this morning that I have not left the house since thursday. And that was just for a chiropractor appointment. I have not spoken to another adult besides Andre (and he is working a ton right now so that isn't even too much) in days. When Solstice and Aiden were babies I had other mom friends with babies the same age and we were pretty good at visiting each other so no one went coo-coo.
I'm feeling a bit coo-coo at this point.
I wish it would at least warm up enough that I could take the kids out for a walk or something. Stir-crazy is not a good place to be.
I'm soooo looking forward to Burns Night this weekend!!

teething begins

I swore to myself when I found out I was pregnant this time that I would take in every moment and not let it fly. I would try to memorize every sensation. I would try to take a mental picture at every smile, at every feeding, at every moment of peaceful baby sleep.
But somehow six months has flown by anyway.
And now Isaiah is teething.
He's also pretty good at eating. He loves apples and potatos mixed together. He can almost sit up on his own. He's taking less naps. He's waving (whether on purpose or not, we're not sure). He can play "get Daddys nose" and even play it with Mommy or sister or brother.
But back to teething. This is the milestone that has hit me the hardest. This is the big sign that he is entering into kid-dom.
He's such a wonderful baby, so happy and joyful. Teething has taken a toll on his happiness. He's been very miserable. Crying and even screaming at times.
I feel so bad for him. It must be awful to suddenly have this pain that you can't understand and it just never seems to get better- and it hurts most when you are doing what usually soothes you the most! Eating hurts him at times. That just makes me sad for him.
Overall he's handling it quite well. He's still more smiliey than any other baby I've ever seen.
Even last night when everything fell apart, he was able to give me a smile. He was up a lot last night. He's wake up crying, screaming, unable to be soothed. And then at one of the worst points of the night, I suddenly get a terribly bloody nose! That was just crazy! (of course Andre would have gotten up and helped me if I'd asked, for the record, but I really try not to bug him when he has to go out in the world and work all day) So I was running back and forth between trying to calm Isaiah and taking care of my nose. Life is crazy. But once he got calmed, he gave me a big smile and weent back to sleep.
I hope this tooth will break all the way through soon and we can have a little break before the next one starts.

chiropractic care

A friend of mine from church mentioned to me a few monthes ago that she met this man in her small group that was a chiropractor and that his speciality was exactly the kind of injury that I have. She told me I needed to make an appointment. I was excited about the information but put off calling for a long time. After the accident I spent all my time in appointments. I think I was seeing around 15 specialists all in all. I just got tired of doctors and being messed with. So the idea of starting in on appointments with someone again was kinda scary. But I was complaining again and she totally called me out on not calling yet.
So I did finally. I've been so impressed with this doctor. I am hopeful for the first time in years that this injury might actually be healed. I had resigned myself to accepting that it might only be managed and I'd be dealing with it forever.
He's said he is absolutely certain that he can fix this neck injury. I've never had anyone say they think its completely fixable. And if the improvement that came from this first week is any measure, than I really do believe him.
He's explained to me how the top vertebrae (c1 and c2) are moved and how they have been compressing my brain stem all this time. He explained how that can lead to all kinds of feelings of depression.
That really hit me. I thought I was done being angry about this accident. I thought I'd put all that behind me, but this has stirred up those feeling again. If it hadn't happened, or if I'd had someone help me right away, I wonder what all would have been different. I've thought of this before, of course. But specifically the issues I had with depression and what actions that led to... those are the things that I regret the most. What if the depression hadn't crept into my life? What if I hadn't needed to cope with that depression? What if I hadn't been trying to cope and hide those feelings I was having?
I don't want to get caught up in the "what if" game. But its been on my mind today and I thought (hoped) writing it out might help those what ifs get out of my head so I can really truly start to heal.

grateful for...

Sometimes its easy to loose sight of all the blessings I've received this last year. On a day like today when my head and neck hurt so much I can almost not stand it, it's hard to feel grateful for anything. But I have to stop myself and think of all the wonderful things that have happened to me and what a wonderful life I really do have.
This last year was especially full of blessings. Here are a few of the biggest (in no real order, because how could I even try and compare them?)

1. Isaiah Jack Henry was born. He was such a surprise addition in my life and the pregnancy was such a crazy ride but he is such a joy!! He is so full of light and love.

2. My Mom fought and won her battle with breast cancer. That phone call was so surreal. And seeing her sick was heart breaking. But she is stronger and even more amazing now. And we grew even closer through it all.

3. My family reunited. What can I say? I am just so blessed and grateful. Love Never Fails.

4. Although I don't know the exact day, I know I past the one year mark of being sober from vicoden (etc) and alcohol. I thank God for the strength to finally win that fight.

5. I grew closer to my family. I got to know Megan even better, I spent more time with my Mom and my Dad than I had in years. Although the circumstances were often hard, that was a real blessing. (thank you again Megan for all your help!!)

6. I grew and learned to trust God in all things. There were days when I didn't know where my next meal would come from- and suddenly the answer would be right there. He has never failed me, not once, this year. How could I ever doubt? Even when I wasn't faithful to Him, He was faithful to me.

7. After some therapy and some praying, I have finally discovered that I am good just as I am. And for the first time in my entire life I am comfortable in my own skin and happy to be me.

resolutions

I'm not a big fan of resolutions. I don't want to make a list of promises I can't keep for myself. But I do have some general ideas of improvements I'd like to make this year.
1. I'd like to journal more. I used to be better about writing each day. Blogging is nice, but of course its not the same. And there is just something so comforting about putting pen to paper.
2. I want to be a better Christian. Not louder or scarier- don't worry. I want to pray more, read more, and be more focused on being the person Jesus would want me to be; kinder, calmer, more giving, more loving.
3. I refuse to diet ever again. I will never give up baked goods again! But, I would like to loose about 20 pounds in the next 6 months. That wouldn't change my appearance too much but it would make me more healthy. My plan is to stop eating after 9pm and to try to be more active. I was thinking if I make a cd of dance music and dance around like a looney every day, that might be good. When it gets warmer, then I'll switch to going for walks.
4. I want to be a better wife and mother. I want to give my all to make their lives better, calmer and happier.

*******
So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 New American Standard Bible